Turhan "Randy" Thomas
Some Humor to lighten up the day. Some is cop humor,
some that I just laughed at, enjoy afew laughs! Click on the
little red lights on the page and download some humorous wavs.
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1. During your arrest, were you advised of your rights in a timely manner?
Yes ___ No___ What rights?___
2. If your attitude at the time of arrest required the use of force, how would you rate the application of said force?
Too much___ Not enough___ Just right___
3. If an arrest warrant was used during your arrest, what type was it?
Consentual___ Court ordered___ Police ordered___
4. When you were handcuffed, how would you rate their use?
Too tight___ Not tight enough___ Too loose___ Not loose enough___
Just right___
5. For what crime were you arrested?
Homocide___ Rape___ Robbery___ DWI___ Stupid in public___ Highway Mopery___ Other ___
6. During your arrest, was the officer's commentary, directed at you, politically correct?
Yes___ No___
7. During your ride to jail, how many times did the officer's driving habits cause your face to impact with the "silent partner"?
Once___ Twice___ Three times___ I can't remember___
8. Once you arrived at our jail, how were you removed from the vehicle?
Through the car door___ Through the trunk___ From the trunk___
Through the wing window___ Off the bumper___
9. Have you taken advantage of our department's free attitude adjustment program?
Yes___ No___ Not yet___
10. How would you rate the food at our jail, in comparison with food at other jails you have visited?
Excellent___ Good___ Fair___ Poor___ Bad___ What food?___
11. Would you recommend being arrested by our department to your fellow felons?
Yes___ No___
12. Were you offered an opportunity to confess to the crime you were arrested for?
Yes___ No___
13. Were you offered an opportunity to confess to the crime you were not arrested for?
Yes___ No___
14. Our department is offering a "Time Saver Program", whereby you can sign all forms ahead of time, and we will fill in the blanks later. Would you be interested in such a program?
Yes___ No___ Does "X" count as a signature?___
15. Do you read and write in English?
Yes___ Yes ( if not speaking to law enforcement personel)____ No____
Thank you for your participation,
we hope that we can serve you better in the near future!
Have a nice day !
click to download .wav file
Redneck Etiquette
•Dim
your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded
and
the deer is in sight.
•When
approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always
has
the right of way.
•Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
•When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
•Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
•Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
•Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
•Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
•If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
•While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
•Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.
•A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
•Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.
•If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.
•Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
•Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years a go."
•If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.
•Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
•Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
•Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
•Its is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.
•When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
•A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also aproven fly deterrent.
•For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
•Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
•Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
•Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
•It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
•Even
if you're certain that you are included in the will,
it's
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
•The
socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if
other people are around.
click to download .wav file
Ten Ways To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working On A Computer
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Ford truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba."
4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is painted in camouflage.
AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has
been working on a
computer is...
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."
An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car,
she
found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped
her
shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them
at
the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get
out of the car you scumbags!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and
ran
like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load
her
shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's
seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the
ignition.
She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes
later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.
The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two
with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where
four pale white males were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly
woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly
white hair carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
The
following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers
attempted
to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words possible. The
instances
of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing can be
entertaining..
1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
3. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
4. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
5. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
6. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
7. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
8. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
9. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
10. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
11. I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
12. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
13. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.
14. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly approached in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
15. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
16. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
17. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
18. I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.
19. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
20. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
21. I saw a slow moving, sad faced gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
22. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
23. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
Q. What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.
FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.
I want to die
while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror
like the passengers
in his car.
I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.
Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded fire station?
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW!
Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.
I didn't fight
my way to the top of the food chain to be a
vegetarian.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better!
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
What happens
if you get scared half to death twice?
click to download .wav file
5 Stages of drunkenness
Stage 1
- SMART- This is when you suddenly become an expert
on every subject
in the known Universe. You know you know
everything and
want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who
will listen.
At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of
course the person
you are talking to is very WRONG. This
makes for an
interesting argument when both parties are
SMART.
Stage 2
- GOOD LOOKING- This is when you realize that you
are the BEST
LOOKING person in the entire bar and that
people fancy
you. You can go up to a perfect stranger
knowing they
fancy you and really want to talk to you.
Bear in mind
that you are still SMART, so you can talk to
this person
about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3
- RICH- This is when you suddenly become the richest
person in the
world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar
because you
have an armored truck full of money parked
behind the bar.
You can also make bets at this stage,
because of course,
you are still SMART, so naturally you
win all your
bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos
you are RICH.
You will also buy drinks for everyone that
you fancy, because
now you are the BEST LOOKING person in
the world.
Stage 4
- BULLET PROOF- You are now ready to pick fights
with anyone
and everyone especially those with whom you
have been betting
or arguing. This is because nothing can
hurt you. At
this point you can also go up to the partners
of the people
who you fancy and challenge to a battle of
wits or money.
You have no fear of losing this battle
because you
are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER
LOOKING than
they are anyway!
Stage 5
- INVISIBLE- This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness.
At this point
you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE
YOU. You dance
on a table to impress the people who you
fancy because
the rest of the people in the room cannot see
you. You are
also invisible to the person who wants to
fight you. You
can walk through the street singing at the
top of your
lungs because no one can see or hear you and
because you're
still SMART you know all the words.
click to download .wav file
Q. What do you call a blonde grabbing at air?
A. Collecting her thoughts
Things Not To Say To A Deputy When He Pulls You Over"
* I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
* Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't
plugged in.
* Aren't you the guy from the village people?
* Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me,
good job.
* I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape
to be a police officer.
* I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high
school instead.
* You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
* Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
* Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on COPS?
* Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my
girlfriend's night stand.
* Is it true that people become cops because they are too
dumb to work at McDonalds.
* I pay your salary
* So uh, you on the take or what?
* Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave
me a warning.
* Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one
of us does.
* I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are
no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
* What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the
trained specialist.
* Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my
gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake
and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
* Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44
magnum.
* Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity
searches?
This guy is sitting
in a bar - drunk, and he asks the bartender,"Where's
the bathroom?"
The bartender says, "Go down the hall and make a right."
A few minutes
later everybody at the bar hears this loud scream from out of
the bathroom
and wonders what is going on in there. Minutes go by and,
again, everybody
at the bar hears another loud scream coming from the
bathroom. This
time the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate
what the drunk
is screaming about. He knocks on the door and asks
the drunk, "What's
all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my
customers!"
The drunk says,
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try
to flush it,
something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."
With that, the
bartender opens up the door and looks in and says, "Well,
no wonder, you're
sitting on the mop bucket!!!"
click to download .wav file
Lawyer Humor
What is the
difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls
off of you when you die.
Why
does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients
from being billed twice for what is
essentially
the same service.
What's the
difference between a dead skunk in the road and a
dead lawyer
in the middle of the road?
There are skid
marks in front of the skunk.
What is black
and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.
Why are lawyers
like nuclear weapons?
If one side
has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched,
they cannot
be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
What do lawyers
and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000
has a chance of becoming a human being.
Did you hear
that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures
of lawyers on them ...and people
couldn't figure
out which side to spit on.
Lawyer's creed:
A man is innocent
until proven broke.
What's the
difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
Lipstick.
What do you
call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
Skeet.
What do you
get when you cross a bad politician with a
crooked lawyer?
Chelsea Clinton
If you see
a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to
avoid hitting
him?
It might be
your bicycle.
Santa Claus,
the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old
drunk are
walking down the street together when they
simultaneously
spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk,
of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
You're trapped
in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a
lawyer. You
have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
You shoot the
lawyer. Twice.
Do you know
what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
He gets
taller.
No page could
be complete without telling of a man who could not give a convincing explanation
about his broken arm. He kept muttering something about trying to stick
his arm through his car window that he thought was down.....That was the
public version, in private he confessed that it happened when his wife
brought some potted plants indoors after they had been out on the patio
all day. A friendly garter snake had hidden in one of the pots and later
slithered out across the floor, and the wife spotted it. "I was in the
bathtub when I heard her scream," he related. "I thought she was being
murdered, so I jumped out of the tub, and ran to help her. I didn't even
grab a towel. When I ran into the living room, she yelled that a snake
was under the couch.
I got down on
all fours to look for it, and just then my dog came up from behind and
cold-nosed me.
I guess I thought it was the snake, and I fainted dead away."
"My wife thought
I'd had a heart-attack and called for an ambulance. I was still
groggy when
the medics arrived and lifted me onto a stretcher. Just as they were carrying
me out the snake came out from under the couch and obviously frightened
one of the medics.
He dropped his end of the stretcher....and that is when I broke my arm.
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People." You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!" You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.' You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. You go to your family reunion looking for a date. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare. You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, Gentlemen, start your engines." You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels. You take a six-pack cooler to church. You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge. One of your kids was born on a pool table. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it. You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos." Your toilet paper has page numbers on it
USEFUL WORK PHRASES
1. Thank you. We're all refreshed
and challenged by your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands
you doesn't mean you're an artist.
3. I don't know what your problem
is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your
reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and
vision. I just don't care.
6. I like you. You remind me of
when I was young and stupid.
7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8. I'm not being rude. You're just
insignificant.
9. I'm already visualizing the
duct tape over your mouth.
10. I will always cherish the initial
misconceptions I had about you.
11. It's a thankless job, but I've
got a lot of Karma to burn off.
12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan,
but my duties are largely ceremonial.
13. No, my powers can only be used
for good.
14. How about never? Is never good
for you?
15. I'm really easy to get along
with once you people learn to worship me.
16. You sound reasonable...Time
to up my medication.
17. I'll try being nicer if you'll
try being smarter.
18. I'm out of my mind, but feel
free to leave a message...
19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
20. Who me? I just wander from
room to room.
21. My toys! My toys! I can't do
this job without my toys!
22. It might look like I'm doing
nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
23. At least I have a positive
attitude about my destructive habits.
24. You are validating my inherent
mistrust of strangers.
25. I see you've set aside this
special time to humiliate yourself in public.
26. Someday, we'll look back on
this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
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