1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

16. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

19. Your friends love you anyway.

FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set
2. A day without sunshine is like, night
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar
territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the
spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel
universe.
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you
say will be misquoted, then used against you.
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without
sponges.
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
13. Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Depression is merely anger without
enthusiasm.
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
20. I intend to live forever - so far so good.
21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
22. Mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37
states.
23. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
24. The only substitute for good manners is fast
reflexes.
25. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
26. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane, going the wrong way.
27. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all
evidence that you tried.
28. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
29. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
30. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
31. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
32. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
33. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
34. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
35. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
36. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
37. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
38. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
39. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to
rise above your principles.
40. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
41. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
42. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
43. The problem with the gene pool is that there is nolifeguard.
44. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
45. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad
memory.
46. Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
47. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
48. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
49. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
50. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving
isn't for you.
 

---

 

The nominees for the Chevy Nova Award, named in Honor of the GM's fiasco
in trying to market this car in Central and South America "no va" means,
of course, in Spanish, "it doesn't go"

1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?"
prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"

2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was
read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an
American campaign, "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux".

4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany
only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure.

5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same
packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they
learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels
of what's inside, since many people can't read.

6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a
notorious porno magazine.

7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish
market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I Saw the Pope" (el
Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).

8. Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi
Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.

9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning
"Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on
the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic
equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth."

10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a
tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man
to make a chicken affectionate."

11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were
supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass
you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate)
meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant!"

12. When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather"
campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.

---

 

 I've never made a fortune,
 and I'll never make one now
 But it really doesn't matter
 'cause I'm happy anyhow.
 As I go along my journey
I'm reaping better than I've sowed.
 I'm drinking from the saucer
'Cause my cup has overflowed.
 I don't have a lot riches
 And sometimes the going's tough
 But with kin and friends to love me
 I think I'm rich enough.
 I thank God for the blessings
 That His mercy has bestowed.
 I'm drinking from the saucer
 'Cause my cup has overflowed.
He gives me strength and courage
 When the way grows steep and rough,
 I'll not ask for other blessings for
 I'm already blessed enough.
 May we never be too busy
 To help bear another load.
 Then we'll be drinking from the saucer
 When our cups have overflowed.

---

 Wisdom From Senior Citizens

 1. I started with nothing. I still have most of it.

 2. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?

 3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

 5. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.

 6. If all is not lost, where is it?

 7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

 8. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

 9. The first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop digging.

 10. I tried to get a life once, But they told me they were out of stock.

 11. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway though.

 12. It was so different before everything changed.

 13. Some day's you're the dog, and some day's you're the hydrant.

 14. Nostalgia isn't what it use to be.

 15. Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.

 16. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.

 17. I wish the buck stopped here! I could use a few.

 18. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

 19. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

 20. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

 21. Living on Earth is expensive, But it does include a trip around the sun.

 22. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if your in the bathroom.

 23. If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.

 24. Never knock on death's door, ring the bell and run (he hates that).

 25. Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).

 26.When you are finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

 27. If you are living on the edge, make sure your wearing your seatbelt.

 28. There are two kinds of pedestrians. The quick and the dead.

 29. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

 30. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

 31. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 32. Its not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere.

 33. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.

 34. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
 

---

 

Why I'm Tired

 For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired.
 That leaves 133 million to do the work.

 There are 85 million in school,
which leaves 48 million to do the work.

 Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government,
 leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 Million are in the Armed Forces,
which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and
that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

---

I'VE LEARNED

I've learned-
that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is be someone who can be loved
The rest is up to them.
I've learned-
that no matter how much I care,
some people just don't care back.
I've learned-
that it takes years to build up trust,
and only seconds to destroy it.
I've learned-
that it's not what you have in your life
but who you have in your life that counts.
I've learned-
that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better know something.
I've learned-
that you shouldn't compare
yourself to the best others can do.
I've learned-
that you can do something in an instant
that will give you heartache for life.
I've learned-
that it's taking me a long time
to become the person I want to be.
I've learned-
that you should always leave loved ones with loving words.
It may be the last time you see them.
I've learned-
that you can keep going
long after you can't.
I've learned-
that we are responsible for what we do
no matter how we feel.
I've learned-
that either you control your attitude
or it controls you.
I've learned-
that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first,
the passion fades
and there had better be something else to
take its place.
I've learned-
the heroes are the people
who do what has to be done
when it needs to be done,
regardless of the consequences.
I've learned-
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I've learned-
that my best friend and I can do anything
or nothing and have the best time.
I've learned-
that sometimes the people you expect
to kick you when you're down
will be the ones to help you get back up.
I've learned-
that sometimes when I'm angry
I have the right to be angry,
but that doesn't give me
the right to be cruel.
I've learned-
that true friendship continues to grow,
even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.
I've learned-
that just because someone doesn't love
you the way you want them to doesn't
mean they don't love you with all they have.
I've learned-
that maturity has more to do with
what types of experiences you've had
and what you've learned from them
and less to do with how many
birthdays you've celebrated.
I've learned-
that you should never tell a child
their dreams are unlikely or outlandish.
Few things are more humiliating, and what
a tragedy it would be if they believed it.
I've learned-
that your family won't always be there for you.
It may seem funny, but people you aren't
related to can take care of you and love
you and teach you to trust people again.
Families aren't biological.
I've learned-
that no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you every once in a while
and you must forgive them for that.
I've learned-
that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes you are to learn to forgive yourself.
I've learned-
that no matter how bad your heart is broken
the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I've learned-
that our background and circumstances
may have influenced who we are,
but we are responsible for who we become.
I've learned-
that just because two people argue,
it doesn't mean they don't love each other
And just because they don't argue,
it doesn't mean they do.
I've learned-
that we don't have to change friends
if we understand that friends change.
I've learned-
that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a
secret. It could change your life forever.
I've learned-
that two people can look at the exact same thing
and see something totally different.
I've learned-
that no matter how you try to protect your
children, they will eventually get hurt and
you will hurt in the process.
I've learned-
that your life can be changed in a matter of
hours by people who don't even know you.
I've learned-
that even when you think you have no more
to give, when a friend cries out to you,
you will find the strength to help.
I've learned-
that credentials on the wall
do not make you a decent human being.
I've learned-
that the people you care about most in life
are taken from you too soon.
I've learned-
that it's hard to determine where to draw
the line between being nice and not hurting
people's feelings and standing up
for what you believe.
 

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